Whenever someone comments on the blog, I get an email. I like it because it's easy to keep up with and answer questions when I get them. I love it because sometimes, someone reading the archives will leave a comment and I get brought back to the past. A few weeks ago I got a comment on a post I wrote on August 5, 2006 that went like this :
I have been mulling over this post since the beginning of the summer. Trying to articulate it. Trying to describe it. Trying to title it. Trying to figure out if I could type in this little box something so big. And I sit here and type. And delete. And watch the cursor. And all I can actually hear in my brain are The Fray lyrics. There are certain people you just keep coming back to.
And that is true.
But there is more than that. There is a certain person that you just want to fall into. Completely. The person that challenges you. And learns from you. And cares for you. The person that will not let you skip to number four on the Jose Gonzales CD because there is time and you have to be patient. The person who makes you forget that you have a swollen mouth and stitches. The person that understands why you would only want a whole wheat crepe. The person that knows how beer is made and bridges are built. The person who tries to "cliff-notes" their stories but fails miserably.
It is the person who will catch you when you are ready to stop falling.
I do not think that I thought that I could find what I found this summer. Am still not sure of exactly what I found. But it is simultaneously the most exciting thing and the most calming thing in the entire world. And I have a lot of faith. Faith in myself. Faith in Paul. Faith in synergy. Faith in honesty. Faith in distance and experience and growth. Which ultimately comes down to faith in God.
Because life is good. And time we have. And I am blessed. So very blessed.
Are you smiling, baby? Good.
That post was the first time I wrote about Paul and the relationship we were starting. I wrote it five years before I dropped him off at LAX for his first deployment. TO THE DAY. I wrote it before I went back to college for my senior year and before he moved across the country for medical school. I wrote it before we knew the aching pain of long distance (and no, I am not talking about deployment).
That first year we spent apart, both in school, was hard. Really hard. All of my close girlfriends were single or dating guys who lived a few houses down. I had a hard time balancing fun and carefree time with them and a long-distance relationship. I was struggling so much to land a job I liked and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find a job that liked me back. I knew our relationship was the Real Deal, but that was overwhelming, not comforting. I was scared to make a move across the country for a boy. I was also scared that if I didn't make that move, I'd lose him forever.
The deployment was easy on our relationship compared with that first year before I graduated college. We have grown up so much separately and together. I am thrilled with where we are as a couple, but it's fascinating to look back at the girl I was when I was just starting to fall in love with Paul. When we had only nine weeks and a great summer under our belt. Before the struggles. Before the challenges. Before the two cross-country moves. Before the deployment. In some ways, I was naive, but in many ways, I already had it figured out.
"Because life is good. And time we have. And I am blessed. So very blessed."
I have never written truer statements.
photo from Monday in Napa.
