enJOY it by Elise Blaha Cripe

my 2016 word and goals for the new year.

My word for 2016 came to me in November and felt right immediately.

ENOUGH.

As in, this is enough. You have enough. You are doing enough. Relax.

I chatted about it in depth with Ali Edwards (who has inspired my One Little Word adventures for the past six years) on this week's podcast episode (yay! Season three! I'm back!) And one thing we talked about is how opposite it is of SHAKE, my 2015 word. And man, is it ever.

But to be honest, I also sort of hope 2016 is the opposite of 2015.

I loved 2015. But DAMN, was it nuts. I have never hustled so hard in my life. It was a crazy year of surprises and upheavals and GO, GO, GO and so much bubble wrap. It would have been a SHAKE year regardless of the word I chose. I wouldn't change anything, but I am so glad I never have to do that (launch a business & have a baby at the exact same time) again.

2016 is going to be all about NOT SHAKING. Pulling in a bit. Relaxing a bit. Looking around and taking a deep breath. I still have a lot of work to do with this new business of mine, but I have almost a full season under my belt now and I think that will help immensely.

With ENOUGH in the back of my mind, I set my 2016 goals. The biggest thing that I notice (and you might notice if you've been here awhile) is the lack of specifics. I don't have numbers attached to these goals. I'm not going to bake 40 loaves of bread. I am not going to shoot 12 rolls of film. I am not going to build 29 things or sew 26 blankets or eat 15 sandwiches. I decided that part of ENOUGH had to be letting go of all the rigid requirements and just trying to do a little more of this and little less of that.

So, this upcoming year:

I want to move more. I hope this means around 70K steps a week on the fitbit. I hope this means active minutes. I hope this means family walks after dinner. I hope this means making it to yoga. I hope this means dancing in the kitchen with the girls. I hope this means going for my first run in over a year.

I want to complain less. I hope this leads to less stress and frustration overall. I hope this means focusing on all the good we do have. I hope this means letting it go when Paul has to work late or when my street is torn up for construction or when the girls refuse to nap or when my day goes opposite as planned.

I want to create more. I hope this means finishing that sweater I started two months ago. And that weaving that's still on the loom. I hope this means pies! I baked a pie at Thanksgiving and it was the most fun. I want to bake more pies in 2016. I want to paint with the girls. I want to grow a garden and not give up on it in July. I want to make time for my girlfriends. I hope to create more friendships. In general, I just want to get my schedule a bit more relaxed so all of my waking hours are NOT spent nursing a baby or packing books.

I want to scroll less. I hope this means putting down the iPad/iPhone and picking up a book. I recently listened to Aziz Ansari on the Freakanomics podcast (great interview) and my favorite line was "I read the Internet so much I feel like I’m like on page a million of the worst book ever." It totally made me laugh but it's also painfully true. Some nights, we'll get the girls to sleep and I'll sit on the couch and scroll and scroll and by the time I look up, 45 minutes have passed and I feel bored but simultaneously over-stimulated. It's annoying and terrible. I love Instagram and I love pinning gorgeous white interiors, but I hate the endless scroll. Here's to turning more pages instead in 2016.

I want to document more. I hope to continue using my film camera though I am not worried about getting one roll shot a month. I hope to write often in the I Want To Remember journal I ordered for the girls (I loved keeping one for Ellerie last year). I hope to record a second of every single day and compile them into a video of our year. (I'm using my goal tracker and this app to do so.)

I want to spend less. I hope to not buy stuff just to buy stuff. I hope to get back in the habit of capsule wardrobe. I got rid of so much crap in 2015. Seriously. 2015 will be remembered as 1. Piper. 2. Ellerie grew hair. 3. Get To Work Book. 4. The year I Marie Kondo-ed our house within an inch of it's life. We are planning to do some light remodeling (!!) in our house and hopefully backyard and I want to be very intentional with my decisions and the expenses there.

So that's it. I'm breaking all the rules by not making specific or quantifiable goals. But for some reason, this next year, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy 2016 to you.

merry christmas from my family to yours!

on welcoming the second kiddo.

If you're new here, the cliffnotes are: I had a rocky start to motherhood in June 2013 when we welcomed our first daughter, Ellerie. Some people feel like they are "born for this job" and I was not one of them. While some days and weeks were great, overall, I struggled immensely for about a year. I didn't have enough help. I didn't seek professional advice. I battled with myself constantly. I fought with Paul over what our roles were often. I was a mess and it sucked.

I can't tell you WHY (or even exactly when) the switch eventually flipped but it absolutely did. I embraced my mama role, found my footing and life got really good. I figured "hmmm, maybe I am just not one of those people that loves the 'newborn phase' or the 'baby phase'."

So when I was gearing up for the birth of our second daughter, I was prepared for The Struggle. I felt like I was on the starting line of a marathon. I was wearing my battle armor. I was ready for the overwhelming panic. I was carrying all the buckets to catch my tears. I had seven or eight flashlights strapped to my back to help guide me through the darkness. (It was all extremely heavy and overly dramatic.)

And then she was born.

I heard her cry, I saw her sweet face and I felt her warm body on my chest and I physically relaxed. I dropped the buckets and the flashlights and the armor. It was instant and immeasurable. I knew immediately: this was going to be a completely different experience.

The only explanation I have is that I'm already a mom this time. Last time, I had to learn how to be a mom in addition to learning how to care for a newborn. This time, I just get to work on the caring part. I am still figuring things out, but I know now that I can figure them out. I've got the tools this time. I've got perspective this time. I know who I am as a mother. I'm happy with who I am as a mother. I know we've already gone through a lot. I know we know how to get through a lot. I know that this is all just phases. I know these phases are so extremely short. I know that there is magic coming tomorrow and the day after that. More importantly, I know that TODAY is magic.

Plus I'm not trying to carry all those buckets and flashlights.

But really, I'm not focusing so hard on the waves that I forget how to swim.

It's been a dream this time around.

Still hard, obviously. But hard in a normal, life-is-bumpy, sort of way. Those first few weeks, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and the panic and the darkness to set in. But it hasn't yet. And if it does, I'm ready. I'm not going to wallow this time.

Aside from the fact that I felt more comfortable in my role from that first minute, I've done (and continue to do) a ton of things differently for kiddo number two. These are not recommendations by any means - babies and mamas are so different it's ridiculous - but here they are anyway.

We checked for a tongue-tie immediately. I had extreme breastfeeding issues with Ellerie and ended up exclusively pumping for 9 months. This time, we checked it out quickly and found that it was not an issue. Phew.

I went into this thinking if I can't breastfeed, no big deal. My attitude was and remains completely relaxed. In the hospital I refused to stress out and I was determined to not feel any pain. The combination somehow resulted in crazy levels of patience and I was able to work on the holy grail - that perfect latch. I never once cried over milk. I think I spent the first five weeks of my original newborn phase in tears over milk. Last night I said to Paul something I never thought I would say: "I think breastfeeding is going to be one of the best experiences of my life."

I refuse to google anything. ANYTHING. Last time, those first few weeks, I got lost on google. "c-section scars." "leg swelling." "newborn latch." "c-section scars week two." "newborn crying." "c-section scars one year later." "newborn spit-up." "newborn crying." "new mom crying." "postpartum depression." "newborn belly button." "newborn gunk in the eyes." "wtf is happening to me?" GOOGLE IS THE ENEMY OF A SLEEP DEPRIVED NEW MOM. This time, I either live in blissful ignorance and the "problem" resolves itself OR I seek advice from a doctor, not a new mom forum. (PS, the c-sections scars will for sure resolve themselves. I could kick myself for the time I wasted worrying about that.)

We have a plan this time. I was basically working a full time job when I had my first baby but somehow we thought I would just work from home! No childcare! I can do this! No. I definitely could not do it. It was a dumb, terrible idea for our family and it led to a lot of hurt feelings, passive-aggressiveness, tears, stress and battles. This time, not only do I have so much more help from my mom and Paul, but there's A Plan! The Plan is: I'll make it work while it works. And when it stops working? I'll get more help instead of crying.

I know it will be okay. Again, last time, I spent the newborn phase so worried about everything. About sleep. About lack of sleep. About birthmarks. About the swelling around my incision. About everything. It was a spiral of worry that led to a spiral of depression. I didn't care about anything because I was so caught up in the worry. Ugh. It was so rough. Just thinking back on it is rough. But DUDE. It gets easier. SO MUCH EASIER. Every day is a little easier and every day this newborn grows a tiny bit into a kid. A KID. Babies are lovely and warm and cozy and cuddly. But kids?! Kids are so awesome. I have so much perspective now that I don't have to worry and because I don't have to worry I get to enjoy this perfect, lovely, warm, cozy, cuddly baby.

So what's the moral here?

I don't know exactly. I do know that I would do anything to relive that first new mama period. I would do anything for a time machine to go back and sit down with June 2013 Elise. I'd give her a cup of coffee and a glass of wine. Then I would delete Google from her phone and nurse Ellerie for her while she took a shower, went for a walk and took a nap. And then I'd hold her hand and look in her eyes and say "I KNOW. NO SERIOUSLY. I GET IT. It's okay though. I promise you can relax. You, my friend, are making mountains out of molehills."

The trouble with that plan, of course, is that without what I went through the first time, I wouldn't know how to give June 2013 Elise the support she needs. The trouble with that plan, of course, is that there is no time machine. We simply move forward. Sometimes at a crawl. Sometimes at a sprint. But always forward. I can't change the past. I can only be so incredibly grateful that it happened.

And this is what I know: I am so grateful. I am so lucky to have these girls. I am so lucky I got not one, but two chances at motherhood. I am so lucky Paul and Ellerie stuck with me while I found my balance then lost it and refound it again 101 times. I am so lucky that Piper is here now to join them and stick it out with me that inevitable 102nd time. I am so grateful for the ebb and flow and the ability to just keep swimming.

I am so grateful for this stage of life. Ellerie Eve and Piper Frances, you are my joy. Being your mama is a gift that I work on and look forward to unwrapping every single day. Thank you for trusting me.

photos by Lisa Bardot of Little Goodness.

 

Other posts you might enjoy:

• how I am learning to "balance" work & mamahood.
• newborn essentials
• 34 gift ideas for the brand new mama.
• gearing up for baby #2. literally.

and then there were four.

The Monday before Thanksgiving we were lucky enough to have Lisa Bardot at our house to take some family photos. Longtime readers are familiar with Lisa and Geoff, the husband and wife team that make up The Goodness. They shot our engagement in 2009, our wedding in 2010 & some family photos in 2014 (oh! and our friends' wedding in 2014 too!). Over the years, as both our families (and their business!) have grown we have become good friends and it was really special to have Lisa come down. (They are based in the Sacramento area but travel worldwide for shoots.)

Lisa came at 7am because I wanted to snap some photos before Paul left for work (he was able to go in late that day) and the light in our house is great in the morning. We decided to make pancakes because it was something to do instead of just pose (which we did plenty of as well). Plus with pancakes, Ellerie got to show off her talent in the kitchen. Plus (and this is the real point), pancakes represent sort of everything in my motherhood journey.

In addition to pancakes there was a lot of normal morning activity, hair combing (sort of), diaper changes, nursing, hugs and kisses after big falls, book reading, cuddling, more nursing, meltdowns, car driving and lots of coffee drinking. Lisa kept clicking away throughout it all.

These photos are so special to me. All photos are special to me. But these show something that I have felt in a huge way the past almost five weeks but haven't yet seen on film: growth. ALL THE GROWTH. Our family has grown so much. It's obvious when you think about how we went from three to four family members. It's obvious when you see how the house is now fully decorated and so us. It's obvious when you compare Ellerie and Piper in size. It's less obvious when you look at Paul and me, but DAMN, I think we've grown the most.

We're Parents, now. No longer "playing house with deer in the headlights eyes parents" but Parents. We are the Parents that have been around the sun two and half times and still make a million mistakes and still look decently crazy-eyed but are also so very comfortable in our roles. We're swimming these days. Not drowning, not floating. Just swimming. It takes work, lots of work, to keep swimming all day, everyday but it sure beats the hell out of drowning. There is a rhythm and natural ease that (to me) radiates from these photos. We've got this. We're doing this.

These girls? This life? It's ours. We love it and we're living it. It's not always half this vivid, smiley, filtered or tidy but holy cow, is it amazing. (Also? Maybe my favorite thing in these photos is Paul's perma-grin which he really does sport 95% of the time.)

Photo credit to the lovely Little Goodness. There were so many photos that I am breaking this into two posts...Piper's newborn shoot and some thoughts on why this time around is 700 million times easier than my first go at motherhood to come in the next week or so.

2015 gift guide.

Every year, I like to share a simple gift guide. It's really just a fun way for me to round-up some of the products we plan to give each other and/or have used and loved recently. Hopefully you see something that might work for someone on your list this year...

Harry Potter Illustrated / in my head this book works for anyone aged 0-125, but Santa will be bringing it to Ellerie this year. It just arrived Thursday and oh man, it's so beautiful. I cannot wait for the girls to be able to really read and enjoy it. I can't imagine how they will print all seven (some of the books are so long) but I would love for our family to collect them all.

Pinhole Press photo calendars / these have already been mentioned on the blog many times, but they deserve it. Hands down the best grandparent gift. My parents always cut it up at the end of the year to frame the photos so this really is the gift that keeps on giving.

toddler stringing bead set / this set is awesome though still a bit advanced for Ellerie. I can tell that we are thisclose to enjoying it. She's also really loving safety scissors and happily cuts paper for 20 minutes (!!)

flamingo swaddle blanket / Piper has no idea how lucky she is that mama pre-ordered this for her. (We have, and LOVE the poppy version already. Everything on that website is just beautiful.)

giant blanket scarf / okay so this I don't own or plan to buy, but I'm obsessed. I actually saw it on a girl at a coffee shop and it looked great (she told me the etsy shop name). I can't justify it given that we hardly have seasons and I already own 4 or 5 scarves, but if you live in a colder climate, please enjoy or gift this for me.

ceramic coffee dripper / Paul is taking his coffee brewing to the next level and wants to try single cup pour-over on the weekends. I am all for it and really just grateful he makes the coffee. Also, we love coffee subscriptions as gifts and Pony Brand Coffee makes great stuff.

The Crafter's Box subscription / this new subscription club was just launched by my friend Morgan and I had the pleasure of contributing to one of the boxes that will be available this winter. It's the perfect gift for my crafty sister-in-law and I am so excited to dig into the first box, a weaving kit and class taught by Maryanne Moodie, as soon as I find a spare moment.

a craft beer subscription / and on the other side of the coin, the perfect gift for my cool brother. Or for Paul. Or for me.

2016 Get To Work Book / for the planner, list-maker, dreamer, doer, wants-to-get-it-done-er in your life. I'd be a complete failure of a business owner if I didn't at least mention it here on the blog during the holiday season. ;)

button-up PJs (in many cute patterns) / I had no idea, but button up PJs might be the ideal item of clothing for the nursing mama in the cold(er) months. With my summer baby I could get away with just a nightgown but I was freezing sitting in my chair to feed in the middle of the night this time around. Loving these.

rewinded candles / I appreciate how long the burn time is and we always get compliments on ours. The scent is perfectly subtle.

ps: here's the 2014 and 2013 gift guide. I'm still a fan of (and even more miraculously we still use!) everything on those lists with the exception of the tripod because I only use my iPhone 5 for photos these days.