I took the photo above of a door at my local print shop. Here's a link to the artist!
This week I had one of those days. Those days that come out of nowhere and have me questioning everything I'm doing.
NO SERIOUSLY. WHAT AM I DOING? How am I trying to part-time this very full-time job? How do I think I can take Tuesdays and Thursdays off?! What about the emails? The emails keep coming in. The contracts need to be signed. The proofs need approval. The checks need to go out the door. Nobody cares that it's Tuesday. Nobody cares that your kid chose today as a non-nap day. Also, why did you decide no bread for 30 days was a good idea? Wouldn't a PB&J on toasted sourdough taste amazing right about now as everything comes crashing down? Also, can you please sign this?
I'm exaggerating. Sort of. On the real problems vs. pretend problems spectrum, my crap is so very far to the right. I know. I know it's all good. I know I can wait a day. I know "they" can wait a day. I know Ellerie will nap again. I know Paul will eventually come home from work and help out. I know that peanut butter is always an option and the return to bread will be triumphant.
But sometimes you're spiraling and even the dumbest stuff starts feeling really effing difficult.
And that was my Tuesday.
When I lamented a bit on Instagram Wednesday morning, I got a lot of really sweet comments of the "oh mama, I hear you and I've been there before" variety which is just the greatest. It's wonderful to remember we're all in this together. I also got a few of the "thanks for admitting that you struggle with this" comments. To those I say:
YOU GUYS. OH MAN. I struggle all the time. Just because I don't file it neatly into my Instagram grid doesn't mean I am not constantly looking for the groove that works for our family. And just when the groove does seem to click in to place, the record skips and the business changes or Ellerie changes or Paul's schedule changes or a large appliance breaks and we have to re-find our rhythm. The only thing I can count on is that as soon as I find a groove I'll shortly be looking for a new one.
But as I have made way too clear over the years, I chose this and continue to choose it every day. Even when it feels hard. Even when I am crying and sweating the middle of a bank on a Tuesday afternoon and I have no idea what the point of all this is, I'd pick it again.
And again. And again.
And I'm rooting for you too. Keep choosing what's working. Keep working on your choices.